someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
he fucked my hip out of place.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
