If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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