I showed him my bush... on skype.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
