maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
