soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
