I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
