dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
