Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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