I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
