mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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