oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
