I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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