mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Randomize
