home. puking in laundry basket.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
