it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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