I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
