I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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