i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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