I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
