Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
