There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I deserve this hangover.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
