just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
