im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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