I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My cat gives me a boner
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
