He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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