woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
