i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
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