i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
