guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He better not be in your backpack
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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