How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
