i think my tv is drunk
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
