you traded sex for a burrito?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
