If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
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