I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
