who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
