Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
