the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
