Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
