I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
