Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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