I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
