the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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