omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
