I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
