Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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