i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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