the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
