i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
