It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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