imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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