i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
